2. Gain 5 pounds. OK, 10. And all in the face and belly.
3. Learn to get on the bed when they aren’t home.
4. This may require learning how to jump.
5. Call Shaq. I hear he’s very tall & can jump. He many be able to teach me a thing or two, or at least he can strongarm them into putting me on the bed before they leave.
6. Scratch that. Call Shaq. Ask him to move in. I hear he has an even bigger bed than them.
7. Backup Resolution: If Shaq says no (he is busy with the TV), work on the Stare (not to be confused with the Stink Eye).
8. Perfect the stare to a) get rides up & down the stairs, b) eat dinner at 4 p.m., not 6 p.m., c) cause suitcases to combust, and d) eat dinner at 3 p.m. not 4 p.m (slippery slope that one).
9. Banish Lunchbox. He’s imaginary, how hard can it be?
10. Sleep more.